


the decider

by Leyenn



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode Related, Episode Tag, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 20:04:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leyenn/pseuds/Leyenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a nightmare.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the decider

**Author's Note:**

> Episode tag for _End Game_.

He wakes up sweating, which with three people in the bed in the middle of July in Colorado Springs is hardly unusual, except it's October and when he opens his eyes there's an empty spot where Sam should be, and his heart isn't usually pounding so hard. There isn't usually a scream crawling its way up his throat, either.

He lies there on his back and tries to breathe down the scream - in, and out; in, and out; until he's just lying in the dark and listening to his own heart run a mile a minute, and trying so hard not to close his eyes that they sting, because he doesn't want to see that again -

He thumps the mattress with his fist. Daniel's quiet snoring breaks off and a moment later, a head of messy hair rises from the other pillow.

Daniel squints at him, sans glasses in the dark. His voice is soft, sleepy. "Jack?" 

That tone can make his cock hard and send shivers down his spine; right now, with the flames still licking behind his eyelids, it only makes him irrationally angry. He digs his fingers into the sheets.

"'Maybe I should have done it'?" He can't even turn his head. He doesn't dare. "'While I had the chance'?" On second thought, he has to turn, has to find Daniel's eyes when he says this. " _While I had the chance_ , Daniel?!"

"Jack-" 

"You _bastard_ ," he snarls out, cutting through Daniel's voice, and rolls back onto his back. He screws his eyes shut: the flames have died, left just space-blackness behind. The tomb they would have had, if he'd been able to speak. If he'd been able to choose.

"Jack," Daniel says, again. Gentler. More awake now. Very much awake, now. 

"Go to hell, Daniel," he mutters, but he doesn't quite mean it. Close, but not quite.

Daniel shuffles closer and rests a hand on his chest; very lightly, like he half expects to be shoved away. He'd deserve it, Jack thinks. He doesn't know why he didn't make Daniel sleep on the damned couch tonight - 

But Daniel's hand flattens over his heart, still twice the speed it should be, and it's warm and very real; not dead and cold, burned alive in the explosion of his dream, scattered across space a hundred miles up.

"I wasn't thinking," Daniel says, softly, sincerely. Daniel knows his own failings. Jack's only just realising his. "Jack, I'm-"

"I couldn't do it." All he wants is that apology, but he can't take it. He's not worthy of it. "It wasn't a choice."

"Jack-"

"I didn't choose not to, Daniel."

"Jack-"

"I _didn't_ do it because I _couldn't_ do it."

"Jack." Sam's voice is more awake than Daniel's, even now; she's standing in the doorway, a glass in her hand. Her hair is just long enough right now to be messy from sleep, like Daniel's. She's tall and pale as she crosses the room, briefly caught in the street light from the window.

"Shut up, for god's sake," she says quietly, sliding back into bed beside them. She's warmth all along his side, from shoulder to toe. Daniel slides that hand up to his shoulder and leans, bare-chested and equally warm, against him. His face is close, suddenly, voice still soft but firm. 

"It's okay, Jack."

He snorts, shakes his head. It isn't okay. It cannot be okay when he can't give an order, any order but especially the _right_ order, the order that could save thousands - hundreds of thousands - because it means losing them. It cannot be okay that he even has to face making that decision.

It cannot be okay that keeping them alive may have been the wrong thing to do.

"We know," Daniel murmurs, rubs a thumb along the length of his collarbone.

He laughs, but the humor's all burned away. "What? That I couldn't kill you?"

Sam manhandles his arm around herself and nestles against him. His fingers press into her skin without conscious direction, curving around her hip - another decision his body makes without him. She presses a kiss into his neck, close to Daniel's fingertips; her lips are cool and slightly wet. 

"We know it's tough," Daniel says. "Not being on the team."

"Being the man," Sam adds, and he can hear the tiniest of smiles in her voice. Despite himself, despite the day, he finds a tiny smile on his lips too.

"We talked about it," Daniel reminds him. They did, after all. Talked until they were all damned sick of talking, and he thought this was fine, he thought he could do this, watch them go out there and come back and not want to rip his hair out in frustration at being left behind.

Turns out, that he can do. But being asked to give the order to sacrifice them, Sam and Daniel and Teal'c, having to face that he should give that order - that, it turns out, is beyond him.

They've always agreed that this made no difference, but apparently somewhere along the line it has, and he's so screwed he's not even noticed. 

He's not fit for his command, and still all he can think is that he can't lose them.

"You loved us before this," Daniel points out. Sam's letting him do the talking, Jack notices. Smart call. They know their strengths as well as their weaknesses, his team. "Didn't you?"

His throat feels tight, and hot. "You know I did."

"So this is different."

"Yes." He grits his teeth in frustration. "Damn it. Yes, it's different. I was supposed to-" No. That's not even the worst of it. "I should have killed you," he gets out, half-strangled because that's how saying it feels. Like being strangled.

"How many times," Daniel says thoughtfully, still drawing fingertips back and forth across his skin, "did General Hammond not give the order to give up on us, when he should have?"

He sighs. "Not the same."

"Why not?"

"Because, Daniel."

"Why? Because sex?"

"What happened to English?" he asks, obstinate because it's all the defence he has left against this.

"You're not having sex with Teal'c," Daniel says, ignoring him, as usual. "At least, I hope you're not."

"Not the point."

"It kind of is."

"Not."

"Is."

"Not."

"Is."

Sam snorts a laugh, reaches across and squeezes Daniel's arm. Jack scowls.

"I'm too close to all of you." He grips Daniel's bicep, hugs Sam close. "Hell, maybe I'm too close to everything. Maybe-"

"Maybe," Sam says, very gently, as if that's where the conversation ends. Maybe it is, he thinks. Maybe there's nothing he can do now but live with it. Maybe. 

At least, he thinks, treason to duty and country and planet, he still gets to live with them.

**


End file.
